Now Her Hair Will Be Long Again . . .

That's what Aly said this morning when I tearfully told the girls that my beautiful cousin was gone. When we visited in Orlando, Karen was self-conscious about her sparse hair. She put cute little clips in the front and said she wanted to grow it again. And that's the first thing that Aly said, "now her hair will be long again." Yes it will. Long and blowing in the wind.
When I wrote yesterday's post, I really thought we had a little more time. I didn't know it would be only hours. So now I cry not only because of the utter sadness of the whole ordeal, but for her husband and daughter, her sisters and nieces and nephew, and my poor aunt. For her I pray the most, for strength, because how do you bury your child? People say God has a reason for these things, well I hope he screams it at me soon, because I see no reason.
So now we go to Georgia. The last time I was there was for her wedding, now I go for her funeral. And I will stand with my 2 sisters and my 5 cousins and remember happier times, like Christmas Eve and Nanny and Pop's and laughing and fooling around.
There used to be 9 of us, now we are 8.
Now she is re-united with her father, and all her grandparents. Selfishly, I wish you weren't, not yet.
Good-bye dear Karen.

My Cousin Karen

Wow! What to say that hasn't been said, prayed and cried? I don't know anymore. I think about you night and day and all the things I would like to say to you. Like what an inspiration you are to me. I always told you that you should write a book and I meant it. You knew so much - about so much. I used to call you up and pick your brain about business and you were right there for me. You were a teacher and yet you helped me so much with homeschooling, all of your ideas, book suggestions and copies you mailed to me. You gave me the first book Kristina ever read from, remember that?! We used to laugh because we both hated it so much but you knew it would help her and it did. And speaking of books, remember that book from when you used to sleep over with Lynn and keep me up all night?! The one with the lion with the one hair sticking up?? I looked for that book to give you for Ella but I couldn't find it anywhere. How you both used to drive me crazy with your laughing - how I wish I could hear it again now. I remember when you were 1st diagnosed and you told me how it puts your life in perspective, that things didn't bother you anymore because they just don't matter. I hugged my kids tighter that night, because of you. And you have no idea how happy I was to see you last year in Orlando. I cried when I saw you not because of the cancer but because you looked so damn beautiful, so happy to be there. And I was so happy for you - you were so excited to go home and get a painting lesson. You were like a breath of fresh air.
I know you worry about Ella now, and I cannot tell you not to. What I can say is that she is one lucky little girl to have you for her mother. She will always know you and will carry on your beauty with her. So go in peace Karen and know that you are loved. And never forgotten.
Love, Me